Come What May                                                                  

February 6, 2012 I wrote the following update about my heart:

A couple weeks ago, I posted that I was having chest pains and that we went to the ER after three nights of similar pain. I want to post an update as to what we have learned since then. The ER doc said I wasn’t having a heart attack but that I should go to see a cardiologist because my QT interval (part of my heartbeat) was a little long and my mom died at 38 of a condition called Long QT Syndrome (LQTS). I scheduled the appointment and saw the cardiologist. He did a few preliminary tests and called for a few more during the next week but the impression that he gave leaving my appointment was that my QT was a bit long or borderline but that it probably wasn’t worrisome. The reason he wanted to do a few further tests was to make sure that I was ok because my mom died so young. 

I had my follow up appointment the next week after the tests were complete, one of which was a holter monitor that recorded my heart’s activity for 24 hours. As I drove to the appointment, I was convinced that I was just being faithful to go through the motions and that the doc would confirm that my heart was in good shape, but when I saw him he said that at night my QT interval elongates and that I do have the condition that took my mom’s life. He suggested that I go on a beta-blocker to reduce my risk. At that point in the appointment, my mind was still locked into the idea that I was fine and I started to ask the doc if there were other tests we could run and if there was any chance of avoiding the medication. It’s hard to imagine that you need medicine when you feel almost perfectly healthy, but sometimes what you imagine and reality are not the same. He got really serious, looked me in the eye, and said I really needed to be on the meds and began to walk me through the statistics for people with LQTS. He said that of the people who present my data (EKG, age, gender, and very few symptoms), 20% will die in the first year and greater than 50% will die within 10 years. I believe the use of a Beta-blocker reduces the incidence of death to 10% in the first 3 years. The doctor placed me in the intermediate risk category (which usually means taking a Beta-blocker) and said he needs to do further tests to determine if I should be in the high risk category, which would likely result in the implementation of an implantable cardioverter-defibrillator (ICD) that would start my heart in the event of cardiac arrest. There are risks involved in getting an ICD so we have to weigh the risks on either side. 

As I drove home, I just started crying when I first thought of the possibility of leaving my little ones without a mom. That night I wrote each of my kids a long letter. Of course, it’s likely that I will be able to just give it to them when they graduate high school but I wanted to make sure that they know all the little things I love about them, all the ways that they’ve shown they love me, as well as five or six of the things I consider most important in life. In the case that something should happen to me, I wanted them to understand what their mom was all about.

As we have been processing through, we have had fears and concerns but I can say that God has helped us daily with verses to help us remember whose hands we are in. 

Today I read this:
“The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by hands. And he is not saved by human hands, as if he needed anything, because he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else.” 
-Acts 17:24-26

This is truth I can hang my hat on: God gives life and breath. My days are in His hands and I don’t need to be overly concerned with how many I have left. He is good, He loves me, He is perfectly wise and He is sovereign. I am going to continue to put my trust in him. 

I don’t have any concern about me in the event of my death. I am a child of God, have been forgiven all my sins and have 100% confidence that when I stand before the Judge, I will not be condemned. I have Jesus, he took the penalty for my sin, and that is what is required for complete forgiveness. I will be ushered into heaven for eternity. 

“Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God” 
-John 1:12

I came home from Dr. Dim’s office and that night I couldn’t sleep. I remember the heartache of losing my mom like it was yesterday and I desperately didn’t want to leave my kids and Tom without me. The doctor had said that when I sleep, my risk of dying was greatly increased. I lay there with my eyes open, imagining the worst. Being diagnosed with Long QT brought my deepest fears to the surface. What if? What if? What if?

            “But David found strength in the Lord his God.” 
             -1 Samuel 30:6b

We set out on a journey with the Lord. He has done a beautiful work in our hearts, demolishing fears as they arise and giving us strength over and over.

My Trust

“But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God’s unfailing love forever and ever. I will praise you forever for what you have done; in your name I will hope, for your name is good. I will praise you in the presence of your saints.” 
-Psalms 52:8-9

Where is my trust? In my being able to care for my kids and raise them? In circumstances getting better? In prayers being answered how I want them to? When I am afraid, I want to control something. I want to discern what is best and then work towards it. But that isn’t how God works. We put our trust in His unfailing love, despite the circumstances. He demonstrated His love on the cross when He gave up what was most dear to Him on our behalf. He does not change. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. His infinite love is the driving force behind all His actions towards me, His child, even if I don’t understand them.

“Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out! Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor? Who has ever given to God, that God should repay him? For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen” 
-Romans 11:33-36

Faith Will Be Sight

I love it when you are crying out to God and He answers.

“Leave your orphans; I will protect their lives. Your widows too can trust in me.” 
-Jeremiah 49:11

I must have read that verse before but imagine how sweet it was for me to hear those words in the days following my diagnosis. Yes, the Lord will care for Tom and the kids no matter what happens. I cannot see how, I don’t know the details, but God is faithful. He does not leave his children. He stays by their side and takes care of them.

I had the thought as I was processing through all this that if I were to die, I would have no more fear for the wellbeing of my kids. I would fully know God. Right now, in this life, we don’t fully understand the ways of the Lord. We cannot see everything as He does and so we live by faith. But one day, all the faith we have put in the words of the Lord, will be proven true. The faith we apply to the words of the Bible will all be revealed as reality. And so, we need not be afraid to cast ourselves fully on them. That has become my life goal.

“For the word of the Lord is right and true; he is faithful in all he does.” Psalm 33:4

My Refuge

In this journey, the Lord, the Loving Father, has become my refuge. He is my strong fortress. When my thoughts venture into the realm of the unknown I quickly lose heart, but I have a secure place for my heart to rest, no matter what.

“God is our refuge and strength, and ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.” 
-Psalm 46:1-3

Our Home

Shortly after I was diagnosed, while we were still reeling from the news about my heart, we discovered that Ittai, Daniel and Esther each have a 50% chance of having the disease. There is very high possibility that at least one of them will have it. My doctor’s main confidence in my surviving has been that I have already lived so many years. The disease takes people when they are young. Our hearts broke all over again. Not our children, the ones dearest to us!

The news just cut to my core because I cannot imagine the heartache of losing one of them. I took my heart to the Lord once again and cried at the thought of one of them having LQT. As I was praying and reading the bible, the Lord began to make something very clear to me. This is not our home. People are suffering great hardship all over the world right now. And this is perfectly in line with what the Bible says.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”  
-John 16:33

“But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.” 
-Philippians 3:20-21

This is not our home. In Him, we may have peace. We have a Savior coming for us. We have a short time of patient endurance and then, for those of us who have said yes to the Lord’s invitation, our Redeemer will come for us and take us to our true home, and there will be no more suffering and God will care for every painful wound we have suffered.  There is an end.

“And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.  He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” 
-Revelation 21:3-5

Come What May

At some point in this journey, my friend said “You just keep getting bad news about this and you are like a rock.” Several people have commented on my faith but I have to direct all praise to God for this. No one really knows the struggle I’ve had except my amazing husband. It is hard to demonstrate the wrestle that has gone on in my mind at times but suffice it to say that if I seem like a rock it is because I keep running back to the Rock Eternal and He is immovable! Yet, He does make us into more than we could have ever been without Him, doesn’t He?

“I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.” 
-Psalm 34:4-5

He has demonstrated His love and faithfulness to me in such extravagant ways over the last decade that I am fully confident of His goodness. He rescued me from bitterness, depression, guilt, a hideous eating disorder, hopelessness, foolishness, financial ruin, immorality, broken relationships, and endless selfish pursuit. In 2000, when I gave my life to Jesus, I had been seeing a counselor named Nicole for several years. She was a great counselor but there was very little lasting and meaningful progress over the years even though I desperately fought for healing. At one point I even checked myself in at the hospital and went through an intensive eating disorder recovery program, but I was still enslaved. Several months after I became a Christian, Nicole said to me “I don’t think you need counseling anymore. In fact, I think you are healthier than me.” She wasn’t a Christian but God’s power was undeniable. I gradually came off the five antidepressants I had been taking daily, and I haven’t been on one since.

            “O Lord, truly I am your servant…. you have freed me from my chains.” 
             -Psalm 116:16

God gave me a new life and made me a new person and I am forever grateful. By His grace, I am going to try to trust and serve Him, come what may, because He rescued me and He is worthy of all of me.

            “But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, “You are my God.” My times are in your hands” 
             -Psalm 31:14-15a